Patient Success Stories

Lauren’s Journey To Her Rainbow Baby

The saying goes, “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.” Well, I had the first two but when it came to the baby part - it proved to be more challenging than we ever could have imagined. Like so many couples today, my husband and I struggled to conceive our first child. We realized that to make this dream become a reality we would need the assistance of IVF, however we never anticipated that this journey would be filled with more heartache than could be imagined. Not only were we having challenges with fertility, we also experienced years of frustration and loss. In a matter of four years, we had 3 surgeries, over 7 endometrial biopsies, 4 IVF treatments, 4 pregnancies and 3 losses.

My husband and I first started our IVF journey at 31 years old. We were fairly young and thought that after the first embryo transfer we were on our way to starting our family. When I look back at that time, I shake my head at how naïve I was. After our first positive blood test I was telling all of our family and friends that we were going to have a baby. By the second blood test, my beta had plateaued, something was wrong. By the third blood test, we were told that this was not a viable pregnancy. My heart broke. I knew this little baby for such a short time but already loved him/her. I don’t care if you knew you were pregnant for 2 days or 2 months, a loss is a loss and it hurts to the very core of your being.

At that time, something in my gut told me that this was not an embryo quality issue but rather there was something going on with my body. I do have an autoimmune disorder and they run rampant throughout my family. My hunch was that my body did something to this little embryo. Our Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. McCarthy is amazing and she listened to me rant about this witch hunt I wanted to start on my body. We agreed that we would test for celiac since that has been linked to miscarriage and that we would move forward with transferring two frozen embryos. Results showed I did not have celiac, but an endometrial biopsy performed at this time showed inflammation.

Sounds odd but I was so excited! Maybe this is why we lost our little embryo! After a round of antibiotics, we did another biopsy. The results still showed inflammation. Another round of antibiotics, another biopsy and still more inflammation. At this point I was getting frustrated. The only thing that kept me sane was staying focused on trying to have a baby again but whatever was going on in my body was not resolving itself with antibiotics and only delaying us from moving past our first loss. After the third round of antibiotics I received my fourth and fifth biopsy!

I’m not sure if any of you reading this have had an endometrial biopsy but it feels like someone has little tweezers and is twisting and pulling a piece of your uterus out. The pain takes my breath away!! Luckily, this is where we found the reason for inflammation – a tiny polyp! After months and months this brings us to our first surgery and our first step into IVF #2! However, right around this time I started to develop this daily pain right above my pelvic bone that nobody could identify.

I have to admit that going into IVF #2 I did not feel comfortable. There was still a nagging feeling that there was something that we missed, another reason IVF #1 didn’t work. Plus, I still had this pain in my abdomen that was driving me insane. We went ahead and transferred two frozen embryos and our IVF attempt was not a success. I did get pregnant but my beta number barely registered. I felt to blame for not listening to my gut feeling and began to hate my body. To me it seemed as though my body was a hostile place and hurting little innocent embryos. At this point, Dr. McCarthry ran a blood panel for Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. Here is where we finally found some solid proof that yes - there was something going on with my body, I had Antiphospholipid Antibodies. This means that my blood clots easily and was not providing enough supply to the embryos to thrive.

Going into #3 we did another biopsy, started 40mg of Lovenox once a day and transferred two frozen embryos. We passed all three of our beta tests and I really thought we had made it. Sadly when we went into our first ultrasound there was no heartbeat and the baby showed that he/she stopped growing at 5 weeks. When we tested the products of conception (this is what the little embryo is called), it showed that this was a normal baby. There was nothing chromosomally wrong with this child – the problem was me. This is when I spiraled and learned that hope, while such a great and motivating emotion was also one of the most dangerous emotions to have. This roller coaster of emotions was too much.

After three failed IVF attempts over 3 years and 5 embryos I felt like a shell of myself. The world was black and white, I avoided my friends with children and cried all the time. I cried in the shower so my husband wouldn’t know, I cried at stoplights and anytime I found out someone was pregnant. To me, my body failed me and it failed my husband. I am a woman and carrying a child is something I should be able to do. If I couldn’t manage that, then what was my purpose? Although my husband never expressed any resentment towards me, I resented myself for what I was doing to him. All his life he wanted to have a family and I wasn’t able to provide that. I felt so small in our relationship and housed so much self-hatred. What was happening in my body? Nobody could figure it out but we all concluded it had to do with my autoimmune system. My body was the enemy and no matter how many times I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, I couldn’t escape this pain. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to get a break or a moments peace to wrap my head around this path that we’ve been down. Plus, when I would temporarily lose myself in my work or a movie, that pain above the pelvic bone would come back to remind me of it all. It was like I was losing my mind.

There was no strength to try again, I was depressed and looking back, probably more so than I wanted to admit. When I say I was low, picture yourself sitting on a pile of dirt during a sandstorm, trying to get up time and time again and failing. This is what it felt like. I started to pray a lot and found myself having one sided arguments with God. Somehow I found an ounce of strength to try again but refused to try again without figuring out exactly what was going on with my body, no more guessing!

My husband and I reached out to a Reproductive Immunologist who is located out of our home state. We completed a huge blood panel (at a huge cost) and waited weeks for the doctor to call us with the results. Finally we were going to have the answers! This was the first time I felt excited in a really long time. That excitement was short lived, this doctor told us within seconds of our call that I would never be able to carry a child that was genetically ours. This specialist believed that not only was my immune system an issue but my husband and I had too many ‘DQ Alpha matches’ on one of our chromosomes. This match did not mean that we were related at all but meant that my body couldn’t identify if our embryo was an embryo or cancer and would attack it.

I cannot tell you what was going through our minds when the doctor told me this, we were numb. Dr. McCarthy was surprised to hear this and stated she did not feel we were at the point of surrogacy. Throughout our IVF tries Dr. McCarthy had always been caring and supportive so we trusted her. Still refusing to try IVF again without understanding what was going on, we tried another Reproductive Immunologist - Dr. Braverman located in New Jersey. Why we did not go to him the first time, I don’t know. We had been researching him for years. We completed another blood panel, waited weeks, but this time received a different outcome. Dr. Braverman informed us that yes, I do have autoimmune issues, there is inflammation in my body which is most likely the primary cause of our losses but our secondary reason was the DQ Alpha matches. The blood panel he ran was a bit more in depth than the one we had before and he was hopeful. What I found really interesting was Dr. Braverman felt that based on the bloodwork, I may have endometriosis. You guys, I never told him about that mystery pain above my pelvic bone but low and behold we had our answer as to what this pain was and surgery #3 was on the books!

IVF #4 was going to be different. In addition to Dr. Braverman, I completely overhauled my diet to Paleo since that has been shown to help with endometriosis and inflammation, my husband and I met with the pastor at our church to pray and I loyally went to as many acupuncture appointments as I could. If you have not tried incorporating acupuncture into your treatment plan, I highly recommend it. Jiji at Family Acupuncture helped me to focus on the things I could control during this process. Let’s face it, there is so much out of our control when it comes to reproduction! Not only was I doing something good for my body during this time, but she helped me to stay positive, focused and gave me great recipes for my new diet. It felt good to have something that was mine. Acupuncture was something I could own in this process while my doctors , medications and body did the rest.

Dr. Braverman and Dr. McCarthy worked together during our next IVF transfer. I had surgery to remove the endometriosis, completed a new IVF cycle, tested the embryos, started prednisone, lovenox, neupogen and a variety of vitamins. This was a whole new start and rather than feeling hopeful, I was terrified. Days before the transfer I had a complete panic attack and the moment Dr. McCarthy walked out of the room after the embryo transfer I cried. My heart broke for this little embryo. What type of an environment did I just place it in? Am I hurting this embryo and ruining his/her chances of ever coming into this world?

Every blood test after the embryo transfer felt like moving a mountain. Trust me, it was not smooth sailing. Other than my emotions, our beta numbers weren’t quite doubling and there was a massive hemorrhage at 6 weeks. I asked everyone and their mother to pray for us. It didn’t matter if it was the check out lady at the grocery store whom I’d never spoken to before, I was asking! There was no shame! Fast forward a few months and here we are today – I am telling you our story while almost 9 months pregnant with our baby girl. The love I have for her is the scariest thing I have felt. Not a day goes by that I don’t worry about her and pray for her. We have yet to hold our little one but already she has brought us so much joy. This baby girl is our dream come true! Every challenge, crying fit, biopsy, surgery and needle prick are all worth it without a doubt. She is our love.

I wanted to tell our story for anyone out there who is dealing with recurrent pregnancy loss. People don’t talk about infertility and loss as often as they should and these conversations should be taking place. You are not alone in your struggles and what you are feeling. It is estimated that 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility and 5% of couples with recurrent pregnancy loss. If you are struggling to get pregnant or have had a loss, my heart goes out to you. If there was a way I could hug you right now I would. It is a lonely, helpless and hopeless feeling but if you dig your heels in and stay focused, you will find your path.

If you do not have a RE who is willing to listen to you, find one. Dr. McCarthy always had time for us, whether it was to meet in person or through email and this made all the difference. She listened to us, researched and entertained all ideas we threw out there. If you have experienced many losses, reach out to Dr. Braverman. I’m still amazed at how he identified exactly what was happening in my body during all our losses, found my mystery endometriosis pain even though I never told him about it and developed a plan of action. Initially, I thought this man had received so much press and had so many clients there was no way I wouldn’t slip through the cracks. I could not have been more wrong. Dr. Braverman always emailed me back the same day and took time to answer all my questions and calm my nerves (which is a huge task, trust me!).

Next, try acupuncture if you haven’t! Not only is it proven to benefit your body during this process, it was a great resource for me physically and emotionally. Personally, I also kept my faith close to my heart and read scripture when I felt doubtful during the process. Anytime negative thoughts went through my mind, I would focus on a particular verse to not fall into the dark rabbit hole. Lastly, listen to yourself. If you have a strong gut feeling you should listen to it. Just because someone with a medical degree tells you no or gives you a grim outcome doesn’t mean that you have to accept that. Stay focused and fight for your dream because it will be worth it in the end.